Hey look you're still with us and we made it through Halloween! Mazel tov. Now that family feasting is around the corner there is lots of cozy pie and warm drinks ahead, to be shared around a crackling fire. Mmmm, that sounds nice. :)
Especially this year! Many Americans in the northern states will be suffering a long and chilly winter this year. But does this mean they will be safe from the scourge of boob sweat?? Maybe, maybe. Maybe not!
As we all know, the endless chopping and slicing and dicing and boiling and blanching and cooling and rolling and preheating and kneading can take a toll around the holidays and while enjoyable, it can really raise the body temperature! If you truly want to shoot for comfort I'd suggest a super sports bra that holds you in all day that you don't mind getting "athletic," if that's what we want to call kitchen sweat.
AS FOR YOUR TURKEY, some tried and true tips for a moist and flavorful breast include separating the skin from the bird and rub-a-dub-dubbing the heck out of your bird with slim pats of butter (LOTS OF THEM! DON'T BE SHY) go ahead and use a whole cube. Put some cow on that turkey.
It's also wise to keep the bird covered with foil for the greater portion of the cooking so you can take it off to perfectly crisp (while not burning) the skin at the end. Nothing says delicious like some crispy bird skin. And gravy. And canned cranberry sauce that comes out like a ringed jelly monster, mmm, tastes like Freedom.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!
Those breasts have been marinating for hours.
OMG YOU GUYS IT IS ALMOST HALLOWEEEEEEENNNNNN!!!!! My favorite holiday of all the holidays - mostly because dressing as a giant lab bunny (white fur, bright red eyes) is seriously frowned upon in April.
That said - we have Pumpkin Spice and COSTUMES so the season is upon us! What's the best part about Halloween? Every year it's open season on showcasing as much of your irresistibly sexy self as possible in startling range of taste. Your milage may vary.
One thing I know for sure - if there's dancing involved and I'm wearing a bra or bustier, there will be a loooottt of moisture in the house and sadly (for me), I tend to be a moist cupcake so I've soaked through the front of more than one dress after treating fellow party enthusiasts to my sweet, sweet dance moves. It's a sadness.
One time I chose to get my entire bodice wet to disguise the color of the sweaty fabric at my bust line. Dress went from being blush to more of a camel color which is always a bit corpse-y on me. Sadly it was not a Halloween party.
That said - what could make costume and special occasion dressing more of a home run? MORE LATEX AND HIGHER HEELS, OBVIOUSLY!
No, actually - not more latex. Did you see Beyonce's 2016 Met Gala dress - the sweaty tube of peach sauce she squeegied herself into? That thing was no bueno - talk about a miscalculation. Same goes for her eye makeup that night.
JUSSAYIN - From renaissance maidens to latex nuns, ladies need some boob sweat solutions and by this time next year Swoobie will be DA NUMBA ONE for your sweaty boobies.
I'm finally getting back to my biggest frenemy, the gym. As I become more fit I'm reminded that people in shape sweat more quickly and more often than those who remain inactive. Couch potatoes rejoice! You have a benefit over the gym rat - but only kindof.
We are born with anywhere from two to five million sweat glands. Since that's a genetic coin toss, our sweat rate is partially based on luck of the draw. Myself, I'd guess I'm in the four million range because I outsweat most of my friends, a dubious honor.
In addition to genetics, the amount of exertion expended during a workout directly impacts the amount a person sweats. For this reason, the more body fat a person has, the more exertion is generally required so heavy people sweat more too. Everybody's a winner!
So here's the thing - after my shower, I get dressed in proper clothes and my boobs are still schvitzing while my neck hairs curl. The second I step outside and hit my purposeful stride, my body thinks we're still aerobicizing and swings back into self-cooling mode leading to embarrassing boob sweat soaking through my bra and often my shirt. Who needs a bra liner? I do! My bra gets so gross.
Soon I will add an option to pre-order the Swoobie Bra Liner right here on our site. Product development is in progress but I couldn't be more excited - join our email list to get notified. We're also developing a patent-pending bra attachment to absorb back sweat. It's true but it's in the future. We all need a Delorean.
It's that time where I head out to work and in my very focused New York walk, eyes forward, purposeful step, I left-right-left my way down into the steamy depths of our subway. Usually I arrive at the entrance at exactly six and a half minutes after I left my apartment, at the exact moment my body breaks the seal on my sweat glands.
From that moment forward begins a terrible period where I curse myself for not having slown down and I think "cool thoughts, cool thoughts" while visualizing penguins and ice glaciers. I will my bustline not to break into rivulets of sweat and hope my back isn't sticking to my shirt but I can feel my neck prickling and I press a tissue to my temples to gently blot blot blot my face so as to not disturb my makeup.
I can feel myself sweating through my shirt and it starts to drip down my back, down my stomach, I feel it dripping into my waistband as I pray for the cool air of the subway car, if only it would come before my hair starts to sweat into my ears.
Walking into work 20 minutes later and I try to take the least exposed route, scurrying quickly into the ladies room to shovel handfuls of paper towels down my top, across my stomach and between my boobs, swiping at my neck. Hoping my shirt magically dries before I have to sit down and be seen.
Getting home at night I finally take my bra off to look down and see the entire inside soaked in twin crescents of wetness, extending like a sickly smile along the underwires, mocking me for my otherwise efficient biological cooling system. Perhaps I'm well evolved but it's not doing my self image any favors.
I don't know how men do it in their suit jackets and pants but it's payback for those tiny dresses we wear in the dead of winter, pretending to be warm enough in a light shawl while they declare the temperature "fine" in their full suit jackets and pants. Suck it fellas, now it's your turn to suffer.